As a parent of a teen, you always try to help your son or daughter in their confusion to take firm decisions. You provide guidance in their worries. You intimate your child with the facts about life. You explain the pros and cons of particular matters they keep in front of you. You do many things for them as you have passed your teenage difficulties.
Things go upside down when you find out that your teen has taken none of your advice and has done exactly what they wanted to all along! Dear Moms and dads, accept this in your frustrating moments, there is a reason teens behave this way. A significant part of your teenager’s brain, the prefrontal cortex, is undeveloped.
The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25! This is why, even after you explain the dangers and consequences, your teen may still make poor choices and they never value your advices in their teenage.
What is the Prefrontal Cortex?
The prefrontal cortex is typically referred to as the “CEO of the brain.” Another way to think about it is like the brakes on a car. The thing with teens is that they get the gas (the impulses), but they have a faulty brake system (an undeveloped prefrontal cortex).
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for:
1. Planning Ahead
Developed prefrontal cortex: “I have a lot going on this week; I better not schedule anything else.”
Undeveloped: Your son asks you if he can go to two concerts this week. He has two tests on Friday, a term paper due, and a big history project. Obviously, he is not planning ahead.
2. Managing Emotions and Delaying Responses
Developed: You’re driving and someone cuts in the lane before you. You feel like ramming into their car, but you control yourself.
Undeveloped: You’re making dinner, and your daughter walks past. She had a tough day at school. You ask her if she wants a salad. She yells back, “Whatever, MOM!” and slams the door. She is not managing her emotions or delaying her responses.
3. Empathy
Developed: You’re having lunch with a friend; you can tell she is exhausted and discouraged before she even opens her mouth.
Undeveloped: You’ve had a long day. You walk in the door and tell your son that you are exhausted and need help with dinner. Because he is 14, he does not accurately read or understand the emotions of others; so he says, “Mom, I always help you. Why are you so mad?” when you are not mad at all—you just want help making dinner.
4. Self-awareness
Developed: You come home from work and snap at your daughter. Twenty minutes later, you apologize because you realized that you were tired and took out your frustration on her.
Undeveloped: You are trying to have a discussion with your son. You calmly ask about his weekend plans. He gets all worked up and responds, “I don’t know, Mom!” You ask one more question, and he blows. You say, “Why are you so upset?” He yells, “I’m not upset; you’re the one who’s upset!” He is not aware how he comes across.
5. Morality/ Conscience
Developed: You get pulled over for speeding, and the police officer asks you if it’s an emergency. You hesitate for a second, and then say no.
Undeveloped: Your daughter wants to go to the party because a guy she likes is there. You ask her if the parents are going to be home. She lies and says yes. She does not feel bad that she lied. She only feels bad if she gets caught. Morality and conscience are flaky during the teenage years, especially when opportunity knocks.
6. The Big Picture/ Cause and Effect
Developed: You know that if you are going to be successful in work, you need to be reliable and trustworthy. You know that if you do not follow through with a client, you will lose that client.
Undeveloped: Teenagers often don’t consider the big picture—the cause and effect—so they act impulsively. Megan is angry with Lisa because Lisa likes her ex-boyfriend. She spreads gossip about Lisa all over school. Megan didn’t think about how that could backfire on her. Now, Lisa is spreading rumors about Megan. And Megan’s friends stop calling and start hanging out with Lisa.
Even though your teenager thinks they can make grown-up decisions on their own, they can’t and they may make most crucial situations too. They need your help to think through all of their actions and consequences.
As a parent, you should understand that their brain is still a work in progress. They need your guidance and protection throughout these critical years.
(This is an edited article from empowering parents.com)