Every visit of sick has to be an occasion for God-experience. In the Bible when Mary visits Elizabeth their experience of the presence of God becomes stronger. What else can be more beautiful on this earth than that one’s presence leads another to God-experience?
I was waiting in front of the department of Oncology at the hospital. Many have been waiting there for the roll call. Since I thought I had time, I just started conversation with the person close by.
“Father, are you sick?’’ he asked me.
“No, I am here for my sister, she is a nun. I have come to hand over a test result,” I replied.
“How long is it since your sister has been sick? What kind of treatment she is undergoing? Where is she now?”
After these questions he goes on telling about his own illness; he has cancer. He has come to consult the doctor with the test results after the first round chemotherapy. His words reveal his strong confidence that his cancer won’t recur and that even if it recurs he would positively accept the situation.
During his conversation with me something got stuck in my mind:
“Father, even if cancer happens to recur, I won’t let anyone know of it except my wife, children and siblings. I’ll never let my other relatives and friends know of it.”
“Why does he take such a decision?”
It has been a real doubt in me.
“Even if I’m hospitalized I won’t let anyone visit me again,” he adds.
As I look at his face hoping to get some explanation, he continues:
“I can’t forget some of the visits during my previous hospitalization. Some people start narrating all kinds of assumptions as if they know better than the doctor who treats the patient.”
After a short break he continues:
“I was completely bedridden; unable to speak, and placing my trust in God and in the doctor who treats me. A person comes in and starts asking why I chose such a hospital where the doctor isn’t good enough. If you had chosen the other hospital with the very efficient doctors you could have gone home by now in perfect health. You should move to the other hospital immediately; if I had known early I would not allow you to come to this hospital at all.”
I listened carefully to everything he said.
“Father, that person happens to be a relative. I meet him once or twice a year, may be for a wedding or funeral. Such a person comes to me who has been just recovering after a major surgery, and preaches.”
He laughs and continues:
“He never had the intention to take me to another hospital. It was just a pretention; one may simply make some suggestions while visiting a patient in the hospital. That’s it!”
I felt, he was fully correct. Most people are unaware of what to say while visiting a hospitalized and bedridden patient. Some people say things that they should never say. Many people discuss topics in which patients are not interested at all. Some others are unaware that their style of conversation is very irritating to the patients.
He kept on saying as I carried on my reflection on the matter:
”Some of them seem to know the treatment options better than the doctor. If the doctor suggests to have chemotherapy first, these people may suggest to have radiation first. Such persons can only make the helpless patient more panicky.”
Then he made certain comments on another category of visitors:
“There are some others; they would come and start narrating stories, more often about cancer patients whom they pretend to know: how they got infected with the illness, kinds of treatment they underwent and even on their death. Finally, they would describe even the present condition of the family members of diseased ones. It’s very cruel to narrate such stories to a patient like me who has been hoping that somehow he will be cured of his illness.”
I nodded my head to assert what he said.
“There are people who visit the patients in the hospital at the wrong time. For instance, immediately after chemotherapy, I had a hard time getting proper sleep. I lay sleepless until dawn several nights. I get sleep occasionally during that time. Unfortunately, some visitors come during those times. In such situations, the visitor should wait silently rather than the patient being awakened by shaking the body or shouting loudly ‘are you asleep?’ Some others start to talk with the bystander in a loud voice and disturb the patient who is asleep. That too is terrible! How many have made such visits and disturbed the hospitalized patients!”
From my own sister’s experience, I can say that what he says is true. He glanced at me and he moved on to another point:
“Father, I say these things to you as you are a priest. There are some who come in and immediately start praying loudly. Content of the prayer is often terrible. They pray for a decent death, for admittance into heaven and for saving from hellfire. Some of them start thanking the Lord for giving an opportunity to endure all kinds of pain and suffering. Father, sometimes they come in large groups and start to pray loudly. It creates a situation where we don’t even get fresh air. If it is in the ward, it will disturb the other patients too. Father, prayer is good and is to be encouraged. But we should use a little prudence in picking the right time and situation. Praying aloud while someone is lying with headache is rather repulsive. However at certain occasions, prayer can be very comforting to the sick, especially the prayer together with laying hands over the person’s forehead.”
He was a bit doubtful whether I liked his comments on prayer or not, and so he added:
“Prayer together with medicine provided me with the strength I needed during my illness. I prayed the most after I was affected with this illness. The members of my family turned to more prayer after I was diagnosed with cancer. Prayer offers greater strength when we are ill. But praying without the proper understanding of the actual condition of the patient, can turn out to be a mere show and very annoying.”
“There are still more strange characters,” he continues.
“They come to visit the sick but do not say anything. In fact they don’t know what to say. They will look very sad. They behave as if the patient has died. Such behaviors can only help increase the grief of the sick.”
Hearing this I started to laugh. But he continued:
“There are others who come in and start narrating their own so called heroic and adventurous stories. Their presence and behavior are the most annoying to us who are undergoing treatment in the hospital. Sometimes they behave like chirping beetles insisting, ‘eat this, eat that, and drink this, aren’t you a good baby?’ and disturb the patient who is unable to take in anything because of the terrible vomiting sensation, immediately after a session of chemotherapy.”
Then he told me as I was listening to him,
“Father, you meet a lot of people in your life. Tell them all, that while visiting a sick person, everyone should behave very respectfully and compassionately. All the above things that I told you happened when I was hospitalized for surgery and chemo. When I listened to them I felt so upset and I wished my bed be split and I disappear into the underworld.”
By then, it was my turn to go to the doctor. While I went to the doctor’s office he moved to the consultation room. We never met again; neither can I remember his name. But all that he told me are fresh in my memory. He shared most of the things he actually experienced as a patient in the hospital. There were sincerity and tears in his words.
We still need to learn to assist the patients with compassion. If our presence does not bring comfort and consolation to the patients, I would suggest, it is better not to visit them. Everyone of the sick goes through similar experiences. They may be bearing everything in silence because they have no other way out.
Even if the doctor has restricted visits to certain patients, some people break in as if they are exceptional. I could never understand the meaning or usefulness of such visits. I don’t think that such visits will make any positive difference in the condition of the patient. It is even doubtful whether such visits would provide emotional support or not.
I have had similar experience from the time Sr. Jessy has been sick. After her first surgery, a Psychiatric Counselor came to meet Sr. Jessy. The person was someway related to the hospital. She had some information as to the stage and level of Sr. Jessy’s illness. She comes in and tells Sr. Jessy:
“Sister, this is the third stage of the disease. The chances of recovery are very rare in this stage. So you need prepare for death in the coming days. I am a counselor; you can call me whenever you need my assistance.”
What horrible behaviour from the part of the so-called counselor! How terrible intervention! It will only make the patient heart broken and lose all hope. The doctor had told her that she would be fine after the surgery. She has been relying completely on the words of assurance from the doctor.
As soon as I came to know of it, I informed the matter to the hospital authorities. They apologized and said, it should never have happened. I requested them not to send that person to the cancer ward anymore. They took my suggestion seriously.
Another day I received a phone call from Sr. Jessy’s convent. They informed me that Sister Jessy looked to be very sad and was weeping. I just enquired the reason. Someone we know had visited Sr. Jessy one of those days. He, claiming to be an expert in the medical field, gave a short lesson on her illness:
“Sister, cancer is a disease which develops gradually. After a while, we become mentally exhausted, which may gradually develop into deep depression. But no need to worry; may need take some anti-depressants. You will be alright soon. You can contact me if you need any help in this regard; I am acquainted with a number of doctors in this field.”
Sister Jessy was sad and upset because she thought, besides cancer, she would be affected with depression.
See, how the seeds of suspicion and unrest sown by unwanted visitors germinate and grow in the minds of the patients.
Her grief was alleviated when it was revealed that the person himself was suffering from depression and occasional mental breakdown.
How many such incidents could be recalled by each patient in each hospital! The family members of the patient must have gone through a lot of search and deliberation before they made a choice on the hospital where their dear one should undergo the treatment. The début of foolishness comes after the treatment starts! Good friends always advise and strive to increase their confidence in the doctor.
We have to think also about the bystanders. They go through many conflicting situations: the patient going through a lot of pain; the negative reaction that occurs occasionally; financial crisis; problems related to being away from home for a significant period etc. The bystanders should particularly be careful to avoid everything that may increase the pain and grief of the patient.
We have to strive to make every visit of the sick an occasion for God-experience. In the Bible, when Mary visits Elizabeth the experience of the presence of God becomes stronger in both of them (Luke 1: 41-44). Our visits of the sick should be like that. What else can be more beautiful on this earth than that one’s presence leads another to Godly-experience?
Those who are alive should be striving to make the days that are left for the sick person more beautiful, rather than make a hell out of them.
When I visit a person who is sick either in the hospital or at home, I should be able to take a second look and see myself in that person. Then I will not do or say anything that hurts the person. I will be meticulously careful in my behaviour.
Fr. G. Kadooparayil