Dear Parent:
This is the letter that I wish I could write all the time when I am feeling nulled myself.
This age and duration is a real struggle and a fight. I need to see it as a fight. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language and enough words to express it. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.
I always love to and need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, and who we were. But sometimes I don’t. I wanted to know all the edges of my life. But most of the harsh times, I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I too long for the same kid as your wish. But some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.
I fight against these emotional outbreaks that happen in me. No matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know I may be disliked and labeled the bad guy. Most of the time, I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I am very helpless and I can’t right now. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need to be a good warrior by your assistance and support my dear loving Mom and Dad.
This is to fight to make me understand my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.
I know that this period may end like any storm, it will blow over. And we both will forget. And then everything will come back like our older days. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.
Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now. Just try to enjoy my outbreaks and annoyance like a good trainer.
Love, Your Teenager