Patience is the most important word in life. Parents are always modeled to be the best examples of keeping patience. But what exactly is patience? For many people, patience means remaining calm, even in the face of a child’s extreme acting-out behavior.
It means keeping your emotions in check so you can respond appropriately and effectively, rather than yelling, cursing, or saying things you will regret later.
We all have limits to how much we can tolerate. This doesn’t make us “bad” parents. It makes us normal parents.
Parenting is hard, and there will be many situations that can be seen as a loss of patience. There will always be stresses with parenting. With that in mind, here are four steps you can take towards increasing your ability to be patient.
1. Identify Your Triggers as a Parent
Try to understand the situations, time, and people. For example, many of us lose patience early in the morning, late at night, or whenever there’s a time constraint.
Being tired or hungry can also shorten your patience. Once you have a clear understanding of your triggers, you can move on to Step Two.
2. Observe How You Respond to Your Child’s Behavior
Take some time to observe what goes on with you when you are triggered. What happens in your body? Increased heart rate? Sweaty palms? Hard time breathing? Do you feel yourself getting hot?
You should recognize your triggers and behave in a cool manner to your child’s behaviour.
3. Develop a Plan to Manage Your Triggers
Now that you know your triggers, you can develop a game plan for when they occur. This plan can include:
For example, plan for a transition time between work and home to allow you some downtime. Or, ahead of time, establish clear house rules and expectations, write them down, and have clear consequences if they aren’t met.
When it’s happening, step away from the power struggle, take some space to calm down, do deep breathing exercises, and developing some calming self-talk.
After things have calmed down, plan to review the situation. Sit down with your child and problem-solving his choices, or apologize if you do happen to lose your patience.
Don’t underestimate the power of an apology. Contrary to popular wisdom, it doesn’t lessen your authority with your child. It does role model how to take accountability when your response is less than stellar.
It took me a long time to be able to apologize because it can feel as if you’re admitting fault, and your kid will somehow use it against you. There is always a chance this could happen, but, in my experience, it has made it much easier for my daughter and me to move past disputes.
4. Set Aside Time for Self-Care
Another important piece to maintaining patience is making sure you’re taking care of yourself as much as you are taking care of everybody else.
We tend to put ourselves on the back burner far too often, to the detriment of ourselves and our children. It can be almost impossible to stay on an even keel when you’re frazzled and running on empty.
Taking time to do things you enjoy—activities outside the home, a night out with friends or your significant other, or just taking time to put your feet up and relax—not only recharges your batteries, but also role models self-care for your kids.
You’re Only Human
As odd as it may seem, losing your patience can be a positive experience. It can help you recognize when you’re stretching your resources too far. If you think about times in the past when your patience has worn thin, you would probably recognize that it usually happens when you’re feeling overwhelmed, overloaded, and possibly underappreciated. We all have limits to how much we can tolerate—we are only human after all! This doesn’t make us bad parents—it makes us normal parents.