Marriages present a supreme challenge, as the essence of married love lies in small, unheralded acts of love. While romantic ecstasy is not the foundation of a happy marriage, it doesn’t mean that marriages can’t be fulfilling and full of love. The key is to identify what love is and embrace it with renewed energy.
Before embarking on this journey, it’s essential to understand the different types of love. Not all love is created equal, and the love between a husband and wife is unique. Even within a marriage, the quality of love can vary. St. Bernard of Clairvaux, an 11th-century monk, wrote about the four degrees of love in his book “The Love of God.” While his advice is primarily spiritual, it can be applied to marriage, helping couples “level up” their relationships.
The four degrees of love are:
Level 1: Love of Self
A marriage at this level is destructive, with each partner prioritizing their own desires. St. Bernard advises to recognize the danger of self-love and to share joy with each other.
Level 2: Selfish Love
At this level, the spouses love each other for selfish reasons, seeking personal benefits. To move forward, the couples must recognize the goodness in their partners and love them unselfishly.
Level 3: Loving for the Sake of the Other
This level is characterized by selfless love, where one wants their partner to succeed and doesn’t prioritize their own needs. This degree of love is stronger and can carry a marriage through difficult times.
Level 4: Love Yourself because Your Spouse Loves You
The final level is rather surprising yet profound. When the marriage achieves this level, one begins to see oneself through the eyes of the spouse, and proceeds to foster self-love and personal growth. This degree of love is a gift that spouses can mutually exchange.
Ascending through these degrees of love, couples can build up a relationship that will be both inspiring and strengthening for each other for a deeper and abiding love.