The mother-child bond is the best relationship in the world. Sometimes, what do you do when the woman who should nurture and support you is the source of your pain?
A mother can become toxic to her child when her troublesome behavior is so deeply ingrained that she doesn’t even realize the harm she’s causing.
Toxic mothers have a way of never assuming responsibility, always putting all blame on others, and manipulating others. And they disguise it by saying, “I’m just trying to be a good mother.” When this happens, even adult children are left terribly confused. They want very much to believe that their mothers are loving and nurturing; but what they get instead is an onslaught of accusations that leave them feeling devastated without being able to truly pinpoint why.
Let’s discuss briefly about what does and doesn’t constitute toxic behavior.
Your mother is NOT toxic because she:
Disciplines you;
Doesn’t give you what you want;
Disagrees with you;
Has input into your life;
Has rules which she expects to be followed in her house.
However, if she does any of the following things regularly, it suggests that her behavior is toxic:
Dismissive/disregarding of your feelings and needs;
Emotionally unavailable;
Emotionally blackmailing;
Controlling;
Critical;
Comparing you to others;
Disrespectful of your boundaries;
Manipulative;
Often playing the victim;
Self-centered;
Unapologetic;
Blaming;
Attacking; and
Obsessed with putting on a good front
This list is in no way exhaustive. It’s just a glimpse of the poor behaviors exhibited by toxic mothers who disguise themselves as good mothers.
What do you do when you want to love your mother, but her toxic behavior leaves you desperately in need of an antidote?
When in doubt, refer to the Bible. It teaches us many things, including
Ways to deal with a toxic mother.
Grieve the Loss
“But she’s still alive,” you say. That may be true, but death is only one form of loss. Many with toxic mothers need to grieve the loss of a loving relationship with their mothers since it will never happen to be so. Expecting a change will probably bring further heartache. I admit that this situation can be painful, but God is close to the brokenhearted: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.” (Psalm 27:10)
Forgive
Forgiveness is expected not only from your mother; you are also expected to forgive her even if her behavior is toxic. For one, it helps you accept God’s will. Besides, it relieves your mind from being burdened. Jesus could forgive people who nailed him to the cross so we too can forgive others for their toxic behavior. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34a). Also remember that just because you forgive you do not need to automatically trust. You can forgive and still have boundaries.
Get Healing
Your mother’s toxic behavior need not necessarily define you. Even though it may have left you with deep emotional wounds, it shouldn’t define you. Your identity should be in Christ, not in the unrealistic expectation of others. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)
Set Realistic Expectations
During your quest for healing, you never expect that your mother will change. Be prayerful that she does, but the Bible says in Proverbs 13:12a, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” When someone shows you who they are, you would be wise to believe them. Pray that she is open to allowing God to change her; meantime, don’t expect her behavior will change overnight. If there’s been no repentance, there will be no change.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries mark where one person ends and the other begins. The fact that this woman is your mother does not give her the right to overstep your boundaries. Boundaries are different for each person. For some, learning how to define their needs is all that is required. For others, there may be the question of consequences or the ways of avoiding them.
The Bible is clear in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This means you are responsible to do your part and let God do the rest.